"They say you cant get a camel through the eye of a needle, but i got a whole hoarde through. They say you cant lead a horse to water and make it drink, but urged that horse to the water and then drowned it. They say you cant have your cake and eat it too, but I cooked that fucking cake inside of me. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but there is no beauty seen from my little brown eye. They say, God is the creator of all, but I’m quite proud of the little brown log I created. They say, ghosts aren’t real. But I have seen one. Because when I looked back into the toilet after sweating and groaning, finally making the shit leave my body, no little brown log could be found."
- Ryan Pola - 23/04/2012
Aubrey Plaza: So you say this person killed another person because they thought I wasn't funny?
Manager: Yes,
Aubrey Plaza: Let me contact them
*minutes later the phone rings*
Me: Hello,
Aubrey Plaza: This is Aubrey Plaza, let's kill the universe.
Me: OK!
Photograph: Yeah, I used to be a nice picture once, breathtaking some said. Then some bastard wrote "love is war" on me or some other stupid shit. I mean, I was just a mountain range damn it!
My brother told all his friends I’m “just his cousin.”
the truth is you all check the toilet paper after you wipe.
(Source: ry-chromatic)
"Every time a couple gets married two single people die"
- Leslie Knope (via ry-chromatic)
(via ry-chromatic)
